My COVID Experience: ‘I Wish It Was Different.’” Journal of Palliative Medicine

Marianne Johnstone-Petty, an advanced practice nurse with a Doctor of Nursing Practice degree in Anchorage, Alaska, describes the psychological burden of being a palliative care nurse during the second year of the pandemic in her personal essay “My COVID Experience: ‘I Wish it was Different.’” In the opening lines—“Cancelled vacation, one, two, now three times./ Restricted to work and home brings refuge at first, but I miss my friends. / Most people outside of health care work from home. Most aren’t happy” (Johnstone-Petty 334)—she highlights the fracturing of daily life. Johnstone-Petty’s personal narrative reflects her struggle to reconcile the disconnect between the lived reality of the pandemic within healthcare and the denial or ignorance of many outside that world. She expresses frustration at the coronavirus skeptics, those who dismiss the virus as a hoax, despite witnessing its devastating effects firsthand. Her account grapples with the mental toll of witnessing death and suffering, while also navigating the challenges of communicating the pandemic’s gravity to a public largely uninformed or misled.

The fractured structure of her personal story—characterized by truncated sentences and rhetorical questions—mirrors the disarray and emotional exhaustion she experiences. These narrative choices underscore her disbelief at both the scale of the pandemic and the public’s widespread misunderstanding. As she sums up her experience with the words, “long days, many deaths, misinformed community, and hopeless government” (Johnstone-Petty 334), her narrative shifts from frustration to finding solace in solidarity. Amidst the chaos, Johnstone-Petty’s connection to her coworkers provides a source of strength, allowing her to process the intensity of her emotions and ultimately find a new sense of meaning. Her repeated apologies throughout the essay evolve into a broader acknowledgment of the pandemic as a collective experience—one that can only be navigated through shared understanding and mutual support.